Let’s normalize consent culture!
How many times have you been in awe after hearing a story about a guy actually asking for consent before initiating intimacy? How many times have you yourself described yourself as “spoiled” because you partner treated you with respect? This is the norm! anything less than that is NOT OK! We’ve been conditioned to accept terrible behavior because “men are just like that” and when we discuss it, we are told “#notallmen”
Having a partner respectful of your boundaries IS THE NORM! Do not accept anything less than this basic standard. Do not believe nonsense about this being a magical, rare occurrence. This can be the norm for you!
“I usually need to have sex within (X) amount of time, but I like you so I’m willing to wait [sometimes followed by] but only until (x) amount of time”
“Sexual chemistry is very important to me, that’s how I connect so if you don’t want to have sex, I can’t keep dating you”
How many times have you heard those lines from Men? Men who you thought were on the same page as you, men who you were attracted to? Did you cut them loose after they told you something like that? I sure hope you did!
These are ultimatums, either you give him what he wants, or he cannot continue seeing you. If this was stated initially, upon the first date, then I wouldn’t have any qualms with it, because if that’s what both partners wanted then great! and if it wasn’t, you can easily part ways and look for partners who suit your needs better. I’m talking about the dude that seemed like he was respectful of your boundaries at first, then hits you with the ultimatum.
Before anyone can say “Devils Advocate” I recognize that these man boys may not ever comprehend the pressure and stress they are putting onto their partner. Guess what? Try explaining that to them, you will be met with a blank stare and a reiteration of why their needs are more important than yours!
Many more thoughts to come! Stay tuned for part 2!
Your pace of intimacy is valid!
In my years exploring and discussing sexuality, I’ve come across a lot of women who say they enjoy being submissive. But what I find out upon further conversation is that they enjoy certain activities that sort of fall under the category of BDSM play but are not limited to the role of the submissive. For example, one friend told me she liked to be chocked during sex play and therefore assumed she was submissive. LADIES PLEASE! 80% of the entire population, men and women,regardless of sexuality or orientation, enjoy some form of breath play (choking). This does not make you a submissive! In fact what I realized over the decade or so I’ve been in the BDSM community is that most women want a Service Top. What is a Service Top? It’s a person who identifies as a true submissive, meaning they take the most sexual pleasure submitting to the whims of their partner and will do whatever their partner wants, including topping them.
The main difficulty women has with this concept is that they have to actually verbalize exactly what they want which is of course notoriously difficult for them due to social conditioning. Many women want their partner to “just know” what they want. That’s not going to happen, ask yourself, how often do you “just know” exactly what your partner wants? or even a friends? a colleague? Communication is the only way to let someone know that you really would prefer to close the window because you’re a bit chilly. I encourage femmes (here used as anyone who identifies as non male) to start practicing verbally saying what they want during sex. You can start by just saying it out loud in the privacy of your own home, by yourself. “I like when you do this” or “I don’t want you to do that” it doesn’t have to be explicit, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Just little steps in practicing saying what you want to say will help you express that to your partner when you’re intimate.
I have so much more to add on this topic, and I will! Stay tuned!
As we touched on earlier, the mansplainer genuinely believes he is doing you a solid by talking at you. If assuming a strong but notably disinterested glance is not working for you, simply leave. Verbally excuse yourself, although fair warning the mansplainer may not even register that and keep on yapping. As women we are often conditioned to be polite and nice. I myself still fall into this trap! I’ll keep answering someone who I’m getting a bad vibe from because I feel somehow obligated to answer him.You are under no such obligation!
I’ve gotten several requests about sharing my mansplainer curbing technique, there are many I’ve acquired so this will be an introduction, if you will. Most articles I’ve read focus on what to say to the mansplainer, how to reason with him. However, 9/10 times, the mansplainer cannot be reasoned with. Don’t bother trying to enlighten him with statistics or your lived experience, the mansplainer is enjoying blessing himself with his verbal diarrhea. The best thing to do is adopt a dominant stance, and a serene but *disinterested* gaze. That alone will shut him up 8/10 times. Like a flame, the mansplainer cannot continue his mansplaining without oxygen, i.e. Your interest( please note, he interprets everything as interest including disagreement and argument). Stay tuned for part duex!