In my years exploring and discussing sexuality, I’ve come across a lot of women who say they enjoy being submissive. But what I find out upon further conversation is that they enjoy certain activities that sort of fall under the category of BDSM play but are not limited to the role of the submissive. For example, one friend told me she liked to be chocked during sex play and therefore assumed she was submissive. LADIES PLEASE! 80% of the entire population, men and women,regardless of sexuality or orientation, enjoy some form of breath play (choking). This does not make you a submissive! In fact what I realized over the decade or so I’ve been in the BDSM community is that most women want a Service Top. What is a Service Top? It’s a person who identifies as a true submissive, meaning they take the most sexual pleasure submitting to the whims of their partner and will do whatever their partner wants, including topping them.
The main difficulty women has with this concept is that they have to actually verbalize exactly what they want which is of course notoriously difficult for them due to social conditioning. Many women want their partner to “just know” what they want. That’s not going to happen, ask yourself, how often do you “just know” exactly what your partner wants? or even a friends? a colleague? Communication is the only way to let someone know that you really would prefer to close the window because you’re a bit chilly. I encourage femmes (here used as anyone who identifies as non male) to start practicing verbally saying what they want during sex. You can start by just saying it out loud in the privacy of your own home, by yourself. “I like when you do this” or “I don’t want you to do that” it doesn’t have to be explicit, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Just little steps in practicing saying what you want to say will help you express that to your partner when you’re intimate.
I have so much more to add on this topic, and I will! Stay tuned!